Carlos II of Spain is perhaps best known in the UK (I can’t speak for other parts of the world) for being the man whose death triggered the War of the Spanish Succession and all that school stuff like Blenheim, Ramillies, Malplaquet etc etc etc. 

Thanks to his family’s enthusiasm for incestuous marriages Carlos was saddled with a grim catalogue of mental and physical health problems, most conspicuously Habsburg lip so pronounced that he couldn’t even chew his food.  Married first to Marie Louise of Orleans with whom he fell very much in love, and later to the unpleasant sounding Maria Anna of Neuberg, he was unable to father children.  Since he regarded the production of an heir as a sacred duty, this caused him much grief and anxiety.  Believing, as many people did, that his problems were caused by witchcraft, he underwent exorcism but to no avail.  Increasingly debilitated, he died in 1700 having willed his empire to the candidate he believed was best equipped to keep it intact:  Philip, Duke of Anjou, a great-nephew who was also a grandson of Louis XIV.  The resulting threat of a too powerful France led eventually to war.

Carlos has traditionally been regarded as a stupid and ineffectual monarch but recent research disputes that view.  And surely it’s time he had a break. 

I have something of a maternal crush on Carlos, whose pallor, fragility and sadness make me want to look after him.

T.E. Lawrence, also known as Lawrence of Arabia. A British Army Officer known for his role as liaison during the Arab Revolt against the Ottoman Turkish rule of 1916–18, becoming an icon among the Arabs. He’s also depicted in two movies: Lawrence of Arabia, Lawrence After Arabia (how creative). 

If you can look at this picture and tell me that this isn’t one of the sweetest photos of a dude with a ‘stache that you’ve ever seen, then you obviously need to learn a little something about facial hair and being awesome.  This picture alone makes the guy badass, even if you didn’t know the story behind it. Fridtjof Nansen decided he was going to become the first person to reach the North Pole.  He developed a pretty ingenious tactic for doing so – he built the famous, ultra-hard wooden ship Fram, lodged it into the ice pack off the coast of Siberia in 1893, and let it drift in the ice while the tides of ocean carried him across the pole.  This was a tactic that would be used by great explorers from Scott to Shackleton to traverse both Arctic and Antarctic climes, and this guy pioneered that shit.

This is Rose Valland, one of the heroes of Nazi-Occupied France. An employee of the Louvre, she kept records of the art stolen by Nazi officers- what was taken, from where, and by who. She was instrumental in the postwar return of countless stolen pieces, and one of the most decorated women in French history.

Well hello Don Juan and just what is that you‘re holding in front of you? 

Don Juan of Austria the Younger is so named to avoid confusion with an earlier Don Juan of Austria and confusingly he figures in Spanish rather than Austrian history. 

Illegitimate son of Philip IV of Spain, Don Juan grew up to be a military leader and popular hero.  However he thoroughly annoyed his dad with an ambitious suggestion that he marry his half-sister, Philip’s legitimate daughter the Infanta Margarita Teresa - an icky idea perhaps but not quite so strange when you consider the Habsburg family’s track record of incestuous marriages.  The resulting rift between father and son was never healed.

At Philip’s death the throne went to his legitimate son and Don Juan’s half brother the four year old Carlos II, whose mother Queen Mariana served as regent.  Don Juan and Queen Mariana loathed each other and thanks to her great unpopularity, Don Juan was eventually able to oust her.  His own government lasted about 18 months and was something of a disappointment.  He died in 1679, possibly from the effects of poison. 

Don Juan’s life and career might have ended on a low note but his dashing looks deserve wider recognition.

This man. This man. He came to Canada, and became so enchanted by the possibilities of the country that he threw away his Fenian past to spend the rest of his life alongside John A. Macdonald, trying to make Canada into her own country. He wanted the country to be united, and peaceful, and safe, and wholly believed that Confederation would grant the nation that and more.

He also bears the tragic title of Canada’s only federal political assassination, and perhaps her first official assassination. On April 7, 1868, he was shot and killed by a gunman that still remains disputed, though a suspect was eventually tried, convicted, and hanged for the murder.

He died not a year into the new Dominion. You have to wonder what he might have been able to do for the country if he had lived. A Canadian sweetheart, through and through.

Photo by William Notman

We don’t have a lot of pictures of this fine man, but he’s been my favourite history crush for years and I’ve never needed a pretty face to go along with his kickass story.

Étienne Brûlé was Samuel de Champlain’s interpreter, and is considered to be Canada’s first coureur des bois. With Huron, Brûlé travelled throughout Ontario, seeing sights not seen by any Europeans before: Lake Nipissing, Georgian Bay, French River, Lake Huron, Lake Superior, Lake Erie, Lake Michigan, and countless more.

This man is a great example of the handful of Europeans who weren’t just into Canada for a passage to China. Brûlé devoted his time to learning the Huron language, and when Champlain got nervous about his friendship with the Huron and sent him back to France, he just came back with the English.

Unfortunately, Brûlé was eventually killed by a tribe of Huron, after a miscommunication. He never left any personal records, but left a lasting legacy anyway, of the first runner of the woods, who loved running those woods more than anyone else. 

Painting by F.S. Chaneller

Wilfrid Laurier, a true Canadian, and had he not devoted his life to his nation, could easily have done some modelling on the side (what is it with nineteenth century Canadian politicians and gorgeous hair?). He was the unabashedly compromising voice of the Liberal Party, and spent his time as Prime Minister trying to create a nation distinct in itself, and free of the French-English divides of the centuries before. The man just wanted everyone to get along. I don’t know how they managed to ignore him, with a face like that.

Photo by William James Topley, 1874

Emperor Joseph II makes me all hot & bothered. He started off a bunch of reforms within the Empire; even though they were shot down later by Leopold, you have to give him credit for trying.  Even though he was still a royalist, he wanted to be for the people. He would sit & listen to peoples’ problems, and he would have a receiving line for petitioners. He was also musical, contrary to popular belief. He had a wicked sense of humour. 

And he’s quite pretty, if I do say so myself. 

William H. Seward will always be my one history crush. His political genius was best displayed when he was Secretary of State under Lincoln. He helped edit the emancipation proclamation and was one of the most influential abolitionists of his time.